Thursday, October 16, 2008

Can't Even Cry Right


There's something about the ocean that makes me cry.  I don't know what it is; I have spent some time trying to analyze this thing and I decided to forget the analyzation.  I might find out something about me that I don't want to know.    It's as if the sight and sound of the water pull weeping up from way down in my toes, tears that I have suppressed for weeks or months, maybe even longer.  It's kind of cathartic, in a way.  Normally I'm not a crier -- well, no, that's not exactly true.  I cry ALOT (seems to be more frequent the older I get. Can it be The Change coming?), but I don't use tears to manipulate my husband, so I always try to hide them. Even when it is OBVIOUS that I am weeping, if he asks me I will deny it.

There we are, whizzing along I-5 on our way to the San Diego Zoo last Tuesday.  For just a few moments the view is clear to the ocean, and the waterworks are immediately threatening.  I grit my teeth to keep the tears in check, and bury my head in my book.  Going home it's the same thing.  That night as we lay in bed talking about our plans for the next day (shoe shopping, playground, etc), I told my DH I wanted to go to the ocean to cry. He was a bit puzzled, but he didn't dig.

So the next morning we arranged for a little lunch date, just the two of us, and we drove the short distance to Seal Beach, which is where I spent quite a bit of the summertime as a kid.  Since DH's leg is still oozing when he is on it too long, we sat on a park bench on Ocean Avenue, not even on the beach or on the pier. Sure enough, in about ten seconds the tears were streaming down my face. I felt pretty silly sitting there with my DH, crying my eyes out like we were having a fight or something.  It sure did look that way -- I was sitting at one end of the bench, and he at the other, with my "stuff" between us.  He appeared to be ill at ease and no wonder, with his wife blubbering away at arm's length, right there in front of the whole world.  Okay, I wasn't really blubbering. I was actually trying very hard to KEEP from blubbering, which sort of restraint gives me a tremendous headache, and just one more reason to cry.  But I did thoroughly soak my one tissue.

DH said he didn't understand how I could make myself cry like that, and I told him that I WASN'T making myself cry.  It just happens when I see the ocean.  After about 15 minutes of not doing it right, (I mean, to have a really good cry, you have to be able to just wail if you want to, you know?) I decided that I had to be alone, maybe out on the pier somewhere, or down near the water, far away from everyone including my dear, sweet husband.  It just wasn't going to work this time.  So I dried my tears and we went home.  We didn't even have lunch.  (Who can eat when they're crying?)  Maybe next time.


PS. Does this count as one of my quirky random things?  Someone tagged me. Was that you, JM?  I'll try to come up with five other quirky things that are at least as entertaining.

3 comments:

  1. even inside. I love watching it, smelling it, hearing it, swimming in it. It has strength, it has living things in it, it has entertainment value and it was given to us to enjoy. I do feel the awesomeness of God Almighty when I have time to stare at His Creation.


    If I want a good cry, onions will do it for me every time.....

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  2. I know the feeling. But do you think it's just the ocean, or that particular ocean? I mean, would you cry if you were on the Atlantic coast? For me, I get the same feeling about the Atlantic coast of Florida, but I don't think I would tear up in CA and maybe not even the gulf coast of FL. For me it's just a feeling/longing of reconnecting with the past, inwardly wishing I was there to stay (with my family of course). I get the same longing to visit my dad's gravesite. I wish I could just go there to have a good cry - alone, but that never happens and I don't want to go there with others. Although life is very sweet now, a big part of my heart misses living in Florida and my daddy. I wish I could have it all. :)

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  3. I know exactly how you feel. Every time I see snow, whether up close or in the distance, I feel as though a torrent of tears, a wall of weeping, or a caldron full of crying will sweep over me. And if the temperature falls below freezing, I fight off the deepest of those feelings of depression.

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