Application to Date My Daughter

Okay, I have to join the fun here.  SuzyScribbles posted a nice Friday Show&Tell advertisement offering her son for marriage.  He might be quite the catch -- he is a very handsome Christian man and he loves babies and children. He is an engineering student at the university, and his mother is famous!  Well, Suzy, I have four beautiful girls for whom we are husband shopping.  Please have Andrew fill out this application.  And Ryan, too, while you're at it, since processing takes 4-6 years. (And please don't be offended at the personal nature of some of the questions.  ALL interested men must fill out this application.)

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, history, lineage, recent FBI background check, psychiatric evaluation, and updated medical report from your doctor.

1. NAME  _______________________________
     DATE OF BIRTH ________________
2. HEIGHT ______________
     WEIGHT __________
     I.Q _______
     G.P.A.____________
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________
    DRIVERS LICENSE #  __________________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK______________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS _____________________________________
    CITY/STATE ___________
    ZIP __________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? _____
    If No, EXPLAIN ________________________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married _____
8. Do you own a van? _____ A truck with oversized tires? _____ A waterbed? _____
Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? _____
    (If  "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)

9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?


10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?


11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?


12. Church you attend ___________________________
    How often do you attend? ________________________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and       pastor?____________________________

14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone-ever-I promise.)
   
    a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is____________
    b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my____________
    c) A woman's place is in the_______________
    d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is_______________
    e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is her________________

(NOTE: If your answer begins with "B", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)

15. What do you want to be IF you grow up?___________________
 
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.
________________________________________
Signature (that means sign your name)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your application is approved, automatic disqualification will result.

If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might want to watch your back).

Do you still want to date  my daughter?
_____ Yes, please accept my application
_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house...

EDITOR'S POSTSCRIPT:  Some of you said you aren't doing the dating thing.  We aren't doing the dating thing, either.  Lord willing, I will have four sons-in-law named Mark ("Mark the perfect man," Ps. 37:37). God will just make four pure and perfect young men out of thin air and direct them out here to the wilderness where my daughters will be when it is time to marry. God knows where we are, and I have no doubt the only four eligible men in America will find us.